I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
