how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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