I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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