I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
