i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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