Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
