Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
