I'm going to jail i love you
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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