Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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