i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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