Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
