Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We left an ass print on the piano.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
