if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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