we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
