did you get engaged???
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
