Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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