he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
