I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
