i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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