Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
