That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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