I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
