My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
