no, he came in my armpit
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
