your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
