I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
