I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
