no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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