if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
