I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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