respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
