I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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