I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
