Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
