ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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