Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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