Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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