You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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