Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
