You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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