Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
