I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
