she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
