Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
