By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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