is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
