if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
