Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
