Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
