how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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