You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize