Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
