I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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