I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize