dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
